Should you be proud that you have a man every woman wants..

Or be over cautious for the very same reasons?

I know the intentions of women. I know the driving force behind what they say, how they act, what they wear. I know better than anybody. I know the show they put on and the weakness they can evoke from even the strongest of men.

Every woman has the power to be trifling, moreso than any man. Granted, not all of us use that power, I think we are all aware that we always have that option.

So, what are 'just kind words' to you are much more to me. Much, much more.


- laurenalyssa.

I should never feel threatened, but I do.

- laurenalyssa.

Creatures of habit. I can't seem to break the cycle even though I know exactly what the issue is. I know my worth, it's just a matter of accepting my worth. Sometimes I feel like accepting my worth is going to piss a lot of people off, and that shouldn't matter but it does to me.

I'm more than my face. I'm more than you'd think. I wish the world was blind to what people look like. I'd be taken more seriously if I was inside out, but that's not something I can change. I refuse to compromise my intelligence for any physical attribute. It's made me more self concious than confident, but this world sees it the other way around.

I'm done settling. I'm done dealing with people who think they're undeserving of anything in life, or anything I'm about. I have standards in my head, but I've never put them to good use. I will. There's no reason for me to do anything other than that. I need to surround myself with individuals who know their worth, and embrace their worth. Maybe it'll rub off on me..



- laurenalyssa.

I can't do anything, go anywhere, be with anybody... Without this on my mind.


- laurenalyssa.

Our interaction is poetic :) Exactly how it should be.


- laurenalyssa.

love changes.

First time blogging via iPhone.


Since the last time, a lot has changed. Some of it's worth talking about, some of it doesn't deserve my energy.

I'm slowly learning to accept blessings. It's hard for me to feel deserving of 'good things'..not because I don't feel worthy, bit because it's hard to believe they're real. Something almost *always* goes wrong..

The only thing I expect to be perfect is God. Then again, anything from Him should be perfect, no..? I'd assume so. God has given me a piece of himself, in sure of it. The Perfection doesn't feel completely real. It's overwhelming, it's like a dream. This is love in HD.

You, are the definition of Love.


....whirled peas <3

deja.

i'm sorry its been so long. i'll try not to do it again, but then again.. you know i will.

i have deja vu entirely TOO much for it to be considered normal. i dream entirely too much for it to be the same. i guess they can be considered the same thing, asleep vs. awake.

signs are all around me, but i'm bobbing & weaving like a professional. it's a matter of taking the signs for what they are, its a matter of grabbing them & holding them & loving them. Everytime I attempt to do so, my fingers fail me & i'm back at square one, two, three.

i don't remember what it's like to be in this position. i guess with every 'brand new' you forget what has happened before. ahhhh, life's cycles.. there's no escaping them. i smiled when i wrote that, God knows the reason why...




I'll be twenty-two tomorrow. the signs are birthday gifts from God. He wants me to grab them, and make them birthday gifts TO me, FROM me. i'm just not used to spoiling myself..

& so it goes.

ramblings..

pretty wings, by Maxwell will not get out of my head, or my playlist for that matter. it's gorgeous...so beautiful. i seriously cannot get enough. so real.. <3

as far ass class goes: had my midterm today. everything was quite experimental...no solid project, yet. i do want to work on a series of self portraits; i'm worried about the reactions - self portraits put you in such a vulnerable position.

as far as work goes: i got a raise, which put me at the same pay rate as the DA job i got for next semester. now, i have to weigh the pros & cons. at GAP i recieve a discount, but the hours aren't flexible & i'd have to drive there. being a DA will be super flexible, and taxes aren't deducted..but then i don't get my GAP discount! LOL. I'm thinking about asking for a leave from GAP just for the semester..so I'm technically still an employee. :)

as far as RA stuff goes: summer is boring, not much to do..i'm actually home a lot. certain people are hard to deal with, who shall remain nameless...but luckily there are some sane people on staff :) it still annoys me how the work out our Pioneer stuff..but whatevs..Beggars cannot be Choosers.

I have the urge, and need to write a "deep", well thought out entry..I'll get to it soon. I have to find the right words for all I have to say..

<3

upDATES.

hi :)

been a while AGAIN.

did well in all my classes..hopefully STILL dean's list worthy. two A's, two B's..my B's were in math & science which is DOPE since i was really worried about the two. :) WOOP!

i haven't been shooting much. i need to find time..time & money, that's always the case. i'm selling my dSLR that i have now, and put the money towards either a Nikon D60, or a Canon Rebel xSi. <3>

right now, i'm a summer RA at school. i miss home SO MUCH. i've been going back and forth inbetween here and there, though..so it's not that bad. i'm still at GAP and honestly..it's only because of the bangin' discount. their policies basically suck ass..not just for employees, but also for the customers. doh'welp!

gotta go :)

ps. i love this font!

oh BOY. it's been a long time.

right now, i'm fighting off either allergies, a cold, or the infamous swine flu. ugh, i feel like dookie!

i'm entering FINALS WEEK. can't believe the semester is done already. since the last time i wrote, i got the summer RA position, the DA position for next semester, annnddd got placed in the APARTMENTS for next semester :) !! that means my very own apartment! it kinda sucks that i'll have to buy more stuff for it, but the dollar store is my friend. i'm going to get some cook books, and use this as a great learning experience. i gotta learn how to cook like momma some day! why not now?

i've been stressing a lot lately..mainly due to school work, but GOD has def. showed up on time. I got a 92 on my science test, and a 100 on my last math exam before the final. My prints for photo came in on time, when I thought they'd be way late..and my book came in, too! woop woop! Robin (my professor) told me i was the best b&w photographer out of the 3 or 4 of us in the class..YAY! i'm so satisfied with my work, but this summer i'll be pushing it a little bit more. work and school hasn't allowed me to shoot as much as i should be, but the summer should lend itself to me..i hope.

i'll be having more time soon, and i'll be writing more. <3

peas!

i had a really good cry today. idk if i'm satisfied yet, but i needed it. luckily i was in the rain, and already drenched from that car that drove by and splashed me. so movie-esque.

more love-blabber..

girls always write about love. it's like.. just the way it is, or something? idk.. there's no answers to my questions, and no valid responses to my statements.. well, there's one answer..

i just heard a profound statement that's repeating in my head over & over and over.. it's not annoying, but it is at the same time, only because i've heard it before..and the person it came from was unexpected. it was to the effect of "...til somebody sweeps you off your feet..". someone else said that to me before, and it was just words, until i experienced it. now, the statement has more meaning to it..

but, of course..i'm unsure of whether there's a way to tell if you've been "swept", or if you just assume that you have..& go with it. i'm under the impression that you never really know, only because nowadays people split even after being together for decades. in that sense, questions: does it just fade away? i always thought that once you've been swept off your feet, it stays that way..or can you just be swept off your feet time and time again? i wish it was a one time deal, that makes things more special..or something..

the other day, someone else asked "do you think that there are people from your past, that whenever you see them..no matter when it is, you'll always feel something for them?" i think that's just as profound to state.. the memory can take control of us so easily & we're capable of remembering SO far back into our lives. i think that i'd have some kind of reaction towards everyone i've known from the past..whether good or bad. a reaction is totally normal..it's the step taken AFTER the reaction that really makes a difference.. questions: do you fall out of love? do you fall out of lust..? which is stronger? if you're ever in love..how long after the breakup do you stay in love..or does it just never go away?

GOD is the answer. I think that's the only answer.. God.

smooch

it's been so long! i won 't fall off, i swear.

i've been super busy, or so i feel. school, work, life..it's all been consuming me, and everything is pretty much a blur. that's what i get for not stopping & writing everything down here.

i don't know if i have anything specific to write about..maybe randoms.

i'm not graduating til forever, thanks to my shithole old advisor. luckily, i've switched & Robin is now my advisor. i trust her to get the job done correctly..it's just unfortunate that i went so long without knowing the right shit to take. work at the GAP is..eh. i get paid beans, but my discount is pretty dope, so maybe i shouldn't complain. but then its like..i barely make enough to actually shop, so i can't put that discount to work. i'm trying to find a job in a gallery or art-related setting for the summer. i should get an internship, but i want to be paid and i'm in no rush anymore so whatever!

emotionally i've been good, for the most part. i'm happy with J; i just think living so close takes it's toll sometimes. i mean, i guess. i know i love every minute spent... it's still new, and there are going to be kinks to work out. i guess that's all i'll mention. i miss ashley.. we used to have SO much fun when she lived on campus. honestly, the best days ever. i don't think there was a day we didn't pass out from laughing. we met under crazy circumstances, and she ended up being the truest friend i've ever had..behind God :)

that's it for now. <3

<3

i'm trying to figure out if this was a blessing or a curse...? GOD always works in the most unimaginable ways, and maybe this is one of those instances.


-shrugs-

funFUNfun.

it's back to school tomorrow ;\

i don't like being home, but i really don't wana go back. i'm only looking forward to being closer to boobie <3>

..and ROCK BAAAAND all night! and EMPANADAAAS. that's it.

this week dawns a new beginning. gym 4-5 days a week is a MUST. there is no logical reason for me NOT to be going to the FREE gym that i can WALK to..and now its getting WARM.. no reason! i always say i'm getting back on track & fall right back off over some bullsheet. 8\ [those are me & liz's new faces with big googly eyes]

i'm planning a trip to MIAMIIII -shimmies- for my 22nd GOLDEEEEN BIRTHDAAAY! ..that means i turn the AGE of the DATE of my bday: 22 on the 22nd. anywhoo..it is a must that i be healthy, sexy, and naked the entire trip. i can't be naked the size i am now..that would be a crime against humanity. so, weight watchers & gymboree, here i come.


me & jam went bowling last night & i beat him. i will brag about that for a while. a long while.

-thmiles-

we both have insecurities. we both have been through things in the past that have, unfortunatly, set precedents.

it hasn't been long at all, but i've loved every minute, and bad times are loved, too..looking back at them. i like how we communicate, even though sometimes we need to sit & regroup. i'm hard to handle, but he seems to be good at it.

i think it was hard adjusting to living right next to eachother & seeing eachother everyday. i also think we reached our peak with that, and it will be smooth sailing here on out, as far as the living situatioin goes.

i love the time we spend. simple time is the best. out of school time..is the best. we went to the park and went on the swings and i climbed a tree..and ate Boston Market -slurp-, and just did as we pleased. It's been the best day of break..

three things. turned into two.

main points on my mind. -i didn't finish this the other day, so I'm posting it now.-


1. I'm adopted. My parents & extended family are of Italian descent. The woman who birthed me is of Puerto Rican descent, and I know nothing of the dude who's sperm I'm made of. My brother is also adopted; he's Cuban & Puerto Rican. I'm really, REALLY open about my adoption; it's who I am, therefore I will embrace it, whether I know much about it or not.
I'm well aware that I was raised by an Italian family, but the blood in me..my genetic make up is Puerto Rican - fully, or not fully..whatever. If someone asked me my background, I say "I'm Puerto Rican, adopted into an Italian family." Or maybe sometimes I just say, "I'm Puerto Rican." Why...? idk, because I AM...!? Being raised a certain way doesn't alter what is in your blood...
My brother and I - and now my father, i assume...- have different views on this. I will never say that I AM Italian, unless I find out there is some Italian blood running through my body. Never. It's not me disrespecting the Italian culture, because that is what I know.. It's me NOT FORGETTING or OVERRIDING the fact that my blood, my birth-mother's blood..is from Puerto Rico. Simple as that..

2. My new approach is to not ask questions, unless completely necessary. In the past I've asked question that, in reality, I didn't NEED or WANT to know the answer to. The answers only planted seeds in my head & made shit hit the fan set on high-speed. In the past I was set on knowing every single thing about a person's past, when in reality their past shouldn't have meant that much to me. I've come to realize that what I want- and need- is to take a person for who they are in the moment.
I understand, past experience mold us into who we are today, but sometimes who we are TODAY is more important, to me atleast. Honestly, it's hard to bite my tongue and not ask questions, whether they be positive of negative. I feel like whatever I want to know, or whatever someone wants me to know, will come out in time..either via them, or via..life? I don't know..it's just my new experimental approach. With that approach, I also act accordingly..It's hard for me to sit there & talk about myself, so I wait for questions to be asked. When a question is asked, I tell the truth with a smile. However, when questions turn into an investigation of my life, I get a tad...offended, I guess is the word. I'm not here to hide anything. I'm not the type to regret things in my past. Everything I've been through, I'm not ashamed of. I just don't see the relevance of every single thing..to my being in the present.
..If you go looking for things you know you may not like, eventually you'll find them..whether they've been there all along, or you speak them into existance. That's why I opt to take people as they are.

wepaaaa

you're reading this now, and i love u. <3

spring brizzeaaak!

spring break has begun! <3

too bad i'm slightly under the weathah'. hopefully i'll be better by tomorrow-ish. although i'm not going anywhere tropical for SB, i'm going to try to make the best of this well-needed break. i'm going to do as much as my bank account can afford!

i'm thinking museums, aquariums, art shows..random fun places that are easily accessible via public transportation and/or little gas.

any suggestions? i'm totally open to adventures.

via BB again..

I KNOW I don't ask for much. I know what I ask is completely doable and not out of this world.

I've learned to handle relationships the way I want the other party to handle them. I don't do shit I wouldn't want done to me. I don't do things I KNOW would piss my man off, and I make every effort possible to comply with my other half's wishes, no matter what it is.

If I want to do something, and my man asks me not to..and he does so sincerely, I sure as hell won't do it. Period. Its about respect and reciprocation. Golden-rule-ish, if you will. I won't put up a fight, no matter how simple it is. Will I be mad or annoyed? Yeh probably...but the point is, I'd still be able to respect wishes.

Women are difficult. So are dudes, but WOMEN are difficult. I am a woman, figure out the rest. I know sometimes what I ask for may be too simple for a dude to register as "important" but its still what I'm asking for. I honestly, seriously, whole-heartedly believe that I deserve the simple things that I ask for because I KNOW they are possible!

Its not about me being "spoiled" or "always needing to be right" because I DON'T need that. Its about the fact that I would bend over backwards with my hands tied, blindfolded...for my man. That is the person I am.

That is the person I am, and that won't change. What does need to change is the fact that I really EXPECT that to be reciprocated to the same extent as my own ways. Maybe I shouldn't expect it, but I'm allowed to at least ask for it.

I don't like feeling like this. I don't like feeling like I'm not being understood or listened to. I don't like feeling like I'm being fed responses to make me stop arguing my point. I don't like going to bed upset, and I don't like feeling like you really don't care...when that's about all I do..

blabber

jowell - rest in peace <3


i'm in a whirl-wind.

i need to shoot more, i can't find the time or the resources i need.
i'm trying HARD to put logic over emotion.
i'm trying to grasp the idea that i really have someone amazing.<3
i don't know what i'm typing.

I'm trying super hard to make sure my past does not rule my present. I'm trying to make sure I don't judge him based on others. I'm trying to keep my composure, and trying not to react so quickly.

I just saw a quote "When a man shows you WHO he is, believe him..". I'm trying to believe him. Actually, what scares me is that I do, and then I can't be mad anymore. I BELIEVE his sincerity, but my past tells me never to trust whole heartedly..and I'm trying not to listen to my past cuz what's a relationship without wholehearted trust...?

Its been a short time, but from day one he has said things that I NEED to hear, not what he thinks I WANT to hear. He handles me, "flaws and all" and does it with a smile. He doesn't critisize any part of me or my life. He contacts me as much as I contact him. He loves and understands my work, and encourages me to keep at it. He does little, sweet things for me that I've never had done before. He makes sure I know that I'm wanted...

And that's everything I need in a man, regardless of what I WANT. Its just so hard for me not to get annoyed at certain things. I know the only reason I get annoyed is because of past relationships that have set precedents.

I need to work on it. I will not let my past dictate my present because my present is setting me up for the future, and in my future..is happiness.

fat girls.

today is <3>

anyway. i've decided to start counting points again. i stopped working out since break, but i'm starting again little by little. i've gained weight, though..more than needed. any weight gained is more than needed. this is an up hill battle that i will win.

point counting is annoying, but super effective and i NEED to get back on my shizz.

day one; let's get it!

-rawr

this recession is getting to be redonk ;\

my job cut back on all part-time hours, and so I'll only be working Saturdays from now on. That means MIA is probably a no-go. DAMNIT.

Any suggestions on somewhere cheap and WARM to go?

whirledpeas

i'm learning to roll with the awkwardness of a new relationship. i can't front..sometimes i feel like i'm just not cut out for this kind of thing. maybe i'm so used to coming and going as i please, that it's hard for me to fall back into having someone in my life. i won't like everything he does or says, and he won't like everything i do or say. that's life, that's what i'm learning to accept. luckily, he's someone who is willing to sit down, talk things out with me, and come to a solution before the night is over. we can't be here to change eachother, and we're not. a compliment is what everyone needs, and what everyone needs to be: i'm seeking someone that can handle me, and balance me out..& he shows serious signs of being able to do just that.

-RANDOM THOUGHT- i really DON'T care about the win the Steelers just got in the SB.

moving on.. my photography teacher, Robin Schwartz, whom i admire VERY much, is always giving me suggestions for my work. honestly, it makes me proud because I know she doesn't do that for everyone. i feel like she really wants me to be successful. ENOUGH MUSHY BUSINESS. for anyone who doesn't know - that's reading this - i'm adopted into an Italian family. my teacher suggested that i make a book consisting of portraits, bios and interviews of myself & my family, and other inter-racial adoptees/adopters. i think i'll give it a GO. it's going to be a touchy, emotional subject, but as an artist my job, and desire, is to create art that impacts someone's life; not everyone's life..one person is an accomplishment in my eyes.

so, if you're reading this and you know anyone who is adopted, or you are adopted yourself, and would be interested in telling their story through words and photographs, PLEASE CONTACT ME. :)

love&peas.

-L

some eye candy <3

me&my dad; lizeth; lucius; e-jay; eugene; VIBE magazine launch; scuba; scottyP.

time management.

[how long do you wait to say what you need to say? how long do you wait for something to be said..? how long should you wait for what you want? how much time is too much time, or too little time? how much time should you put up with things that need to change..? how much time should it take you to change? is there too much time being spent, or is there not enough..?]

I have things I want to say, and things I know should be said.Things I sense are about to be verbalized, but I don't know who or what will initiate the words, so I find myself in waiting. I just can't figure out how much time is too much time, or if enough time has passed or..? So, I'm waiting..because sometimes that's all you can do. Time is all we definitely have, even though we don't know how much of it is ours, and even though we know it won't wait.

I'm spending my all of my time waiting, but I'm not sure what to overlap it with. Waiting is constant, but the time that takes can be shared. I don't know how to divide it. I don't know if I'm spending too much time here or there, and not enough there or here. I don't know if I'm handling my time wisely, I don't even know the point of any of this.

Okay,so I'm writing this via Blackberry for the first time. If it works out well, my BB will REALLY be my entire life :)

School started. Training was wack, move-in day was a mess (and was also my first day of dootz), I LOVE my new staff members :) umm..my classes are decent, I'm indulging in photography! Inauguration day was magical: I'm more in LOVE with Obama than ever (and he with me!) I get to see my sugar daily - its awkward to be in this position, but I'm warming up to it again..


I'm going to be starting a blog for my photography (as per the request of my professor). I'm excited about it. I'll have to come up with a statement about my work, although I may change the focus a bit this semester. I got some interesting, semi-expected reactions to my stuff last semester, and it would be fun to continue it, even though the common denominator was not intentional. You'll see :)

My professors name is Robin Schwartz, by the way. Check her out at www.robinschwartz.net.

hea's the stawry,

i should be packing. i'm like..a little over 1/2 way done, but i should still be packing. WTF. how did the break go so fast? i wish i was 10..time didn't go as fast back then. back to school tomorrow, the start of winter training..blah. i'm hoping for a good staff. i miss Los already ;\ i wish we could haze the newbies.

so, me and Liz have been talking. we're extremely alike, but also very different people. regardless, people seem to think we are something we're NOT in so many different ways.

Common Misconception: Liz & Lauren are either super cool party girls, who are superficial, materialistic, bougie (sp?) and high maintainance..OR..mean, intimidating, high saddity bitches.

The Truth: we are complete losers. i mean, we're cool to eachother obviously, but it's because we're both losers. we sit around on internet gossip sites, or food blogs, or youtube, or stalk people on facebook or watch SNL clips. we talk about losing weight, and then discuss what kind of cupcakes to invent. we window-shop online for shoes we could never afford. we convince ourselves that we will one day BE beyonce.(WHICH..WE WILL!) ..And we're not mean. We're actually really nice people. I have yet to figure out WHY people constantly think we are mean.. the only (completely invalid) reason I've heard is that we have intimidating facial expressions, which is hard to believe because 90% of the time, we're laughing hysterically at something that's really not funny. ..Am I high-maintainance? No.. do i like nice things? YES! no shame in that. am i materialistic? NO!...do i love to shop? YES! i don't buy anything i can't afford. i don't have a credit card. i pay upfront for whatever my heart desires :)

Moral of the story..? Get to know us. We're really not cool, but we're really NOT mean, either. :)

peas&CARROTS! <3

whoa.

i just did the unthinkable. the impossible. not so impossible. but unthinkable for sure.



but i'm happy. :] for the first time I saw the mirror image of myself, and at first had the same response I'd always received, & then got some sense talked into me.


<3

aaaaand THIRD!

...i just changed my mind. ;x

SECOND!

I'm a Virgo. I don't believe in horoscopes, but the personality traits of the signs tend to hold true..

I am a Virgo & LOVE it.. I'm critical, have high standards, and have completely emphasized emotions. I over analyze everything in my life and no matter how much I try to change that, it just doesn't happen..and lately it's been getting the best of me. Rather than try to change it, I guess I should just try to live with it & not take it as seriously as I can at times.

I don't beast for relationships, and I can't say that it's what I'm specifically looking for but, I'm saying.. If I walked into Christian Louboutin and saw a pair of shoes marked down to $100 from $900, how could I pass it up? Never pass up a good thing!...I used that example because the odds of it happening are slim to none, kind of like finding a good man. :)

..Back to the point! My critical, over-analytical, emotional tendencies get the best of me in every potential relationship. It's not the "too good to be true" deal, it's just that I tend to notice little things that could possibly be a sign of something bigger, or maybe not.. I notice slight changes in attitude, conversation, demeanor, appearance, etc. and automatically start contemplating the negative. I HATE playing the "woman scorned" role, but how can my past not influence my present & future? It's natural..& I'm just tired of history repeating itself.

Regardless, I find myself falling.. and of course over-analyzing EVERY thing. It's so corny to say, but I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. I've never tried so hard to NOT think about things as I am now. It's freakin' exhausting. Maybe I'm scared of commitment. Maybe I'm scared I might miss something better. Maybe I'm just not beat for another failed attempt.

Anyway I look at it I still see those Christian Louboutin's priced at $100, and know I'd be a fool to walk out of the store without them.

TWO THOW-NINE!

okay. changed the URL to my blog, so I'm copy-pasting my entries here.


FIRST!

2009! Let's try this again...


Last year I created a blog and let it fall off. The year before that, I did the same thing.. So, here I am again. New YEAR, new BLOG. How long will it last?

I'm contemplating going balls to the wall with this one and saying WHATEVER I want to say on here. It's always easier to type than to speak, in my case. But..that may get me into some trouble, especially because whoever reads this may be a topic one day. :) Or maybe they won't and I'll be able to rant & rave as I wish..

I'll contemplate some more before I unleash any wrath..

Till then... <3